


Now the day bleeds into nightfall (and you're not here to get me through it all)

by cherryjaem



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Kim Seungmin-centric, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, bff seungsung, changbin is only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 15:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20950412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryjaem/pseuds/cherryjaem
Summary: Seungmin has many regrets, enough to last a lifetime- with the biggest one being: letting Hyunjin walked away from him.





	Now the day bleeds into nightfall (and you're not here to get me through it all)

**Author's Note:**

> dear Anon, thank you for your prompt. I admit that I struggled a lot with this, and the writer's block that came with it did not make it any easier for me. While I do not know if this fic will meet with your expectation or not, I hope it's still something worth reading ;_; ❤ trigger warning to people who skip reading tags: this fic contains major character death.
> 
> (prompt posted on end notes)

Everything changes when Seungmin wakes up that morning.

Hyunjin is not coming home.

~*~

Routine is:

Seungmin waking up way before his alarm rings.

Getting up immediately despite the exhaustion clinging to him like a second skin because the silence in the apartment is loud and cold, and Seungmin itches to leave as soon as he can.

Making up the bed, washing up and getting dressed in less than an hour.

Taking a can of juice out of the fridge, slipping his shoes on and walking out of the door at half past six, sharp.

Ignoring the parcel lying on the dining table.

Routine is also:

Pretending he doesn't hear hushed whispers about him and doesn't notice the eyes following him in pity everywhere he goes.

Smiling at his patients because one of them (between him and the patients) has to be okay, even if it's fake.

Working for more than 20 hours so he'll be exhausted and continue to be numb of everything else.

Seungmin supposes that routine is good. Just the same things and day repeating itself. But getting asked if he’s alright is also part of the routine, and frankly, Seungmin is getting increasingly tired of it because the answer is: he’s  _ not _ .

How could he be alright again when everything’s changed because Hyunjin is not coming home anymore? And when the reason Hyunjin is not coming home is because of him?

~*~

Seungmin thinks about it, more often than not, even though he doesn’t intend to.

His mind slips back to  _ that _ night way too easily for his liking- when he’s attending a patient, when he’s in the bus on the way to work or home, when he sees their friends and the pity in their eyes as they throw hesitant smiles at him, and  _ especially _ when Seungmin turns round the corner where  _ the  _ convenience store is.

Seungmin has many regrets, enough to last a lifetime- with the biggest one being: letting Hyunjin walked away from him, because Hyunjin never found his way back to Seungmin ever again.

~*~

When Seungmin gets thirsty in the middle of the night and gets up to get a drink in the kitchen, he’d see the parcel lying on the dining table, untouched, and feel his heart drops further down his stomach.

_ Young Wings Jewellery,  _ it says. Seungmin is never brave enough to touch it, let alone open it. Because… 

Because.

Seungmin hates the idea of finding what’s inside. He doesn’t think he’s ready for it yet, doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready for it, so Seungmin ignores it. If he ignores it enough, maybe it’ll just miraculously disappear someday.

Seungmin can hope.

Seungmin can pretend.

~*~

“Seung,” his best friend, Jisung, says. There’s hesitance in his voice and Seungmin doesn’t like it a tiny bit, doesn’t like the fact that everyone’s being careful around him,  _ with _ him. Seungmin holds the pen tighter, and records his observation of a patient quietly, but quickly because he doesn’t want to have this conversation with Jisung- whatever it is about. “Seungmin,” Jisung tries again.

“What,” Seungmin snaps in annoyance. His handwriting turns messier the quicker he writes, the tip of the pen clicking loudly against the clipboard from how hard he’s pressing it against the paper.

“Hey,” Jisung gently grabs Seungmin’s wrist, effectively stopping the slightly younger guy from writing and having his attention on Jisung. “Calm down and hear me out.” Jisung sighs when Seungmin only cocks an eyebrow up at him. “You should take a break. A few days off from work. They’d understand, you know? It’ll be good for your health- mentally and physically.”

“Nonsense,” Seungmin pulls his wrist away from Jisung’s hold. “In case you didn’t notice, we’re understaffed.”

“We’d managed. Don’t worry about it.”

“Jisung,” Seungmin says sternly, pulling the clipboard down. He thinks about spending time in the apartment  _ alone _ and feels anxiety and fear seeping into his bones. He can’t even stand the thought of it, let alone actually doing it. “I don’t want to,” Seungmin continues, his voice sounding breathier than he’d intended, fear in the shake of his voice and the tremble of his lips. Jisung immediately pulls Seungmin into a hug. “The silence scares me. The emptiness. I-.” Seungmin doesn’t know how to end his sentence, doesn’t know how to explain what he’s feeling inside.

“I’m sorry,” Jisung murmurs into Seungmin’s shoulder. Seungmin doesn’t know what exactly Jisung is apologizing for, because at this point, there’s a lot of things to be sorry about. Seungmin doesn’t bother asking.

“You’re not alone, Seung. I’m here. We’re all here for you,” Jisung tells him. “I love you. We  _ all _ do. I hope you know that.” Seungmin feels the tears pricking his eyes because he loves his friends and knows his friends love him, too, but it’s just-.

It's just  _ not _ the same. There's a gaping hole in his heart because Hyunjin's taken a huge piece of Seungmin with him when he left. Seungmin thinks no amount of love could ever fill the void that Hyunjin’s left behind.

Without Hyunjin in his life, Seungmin knows he will forever be incomplete.

~*~

Some days, Seungmin forgets.

Like on days or nights when Seungmin is exhausted or stressed from working for too long and wanting to seek comfort in the form of ranting or whining to Hyunjin through text messages, he'd open their chat window only to see it filled up by his own texts, to which all of them are left unreplied. Today just seem to be one of those days.

Things had been hard and exhausting at the hospital, and Seungmin is finally leaving after 30 hours of working. Seungmin fishes his phone out as soon as he steps out of the building and walks towards where the bus stop is, thumb immediately scrolling down to find his chat with Hyunjin.

He’s instantly hit with a heavy feeling pressing against his heart when the chat window opens, the realization hitting him harder this time seeing his unanswered texts.

_ I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you so much. _

All he wanted was to listen to Hyunjin’s voice after a very long day of work but his source of comfort is no longer here. All he wanted was Hyunjin and his laughter and warm hug and assuring words, but Hyunjin is no longer here with them, with him. It’s always a cruel reminder, but Seungmin is having it a lot worse and harder tonight. Scrolling back up to their previous conversations this time is only making him feel sad and lonely, regret weighing him down so Seungmin exits the chat.

Seungmin slumps down on the seat in the empty bus, the low hum of the engine and tyres moving against concrete ground serve as background noise. Seungmin puts his earphones on and plays his music with the volume turned up, but the noise is not loud enough to drown the thoughts inside his head. It never is.

Seungmin wonders sometimes.

When he's alone like this, when he doesn’t have distractions in the form of his works and friends, when he lets his mind slips back to that night, Seungmin would find himself thinking of the possibilities of Hyunjin still being here if they hadn’t fought. He wonders if it would make a difference if he had called Hyunjin that night and asked him if he was okay, asked him to come back home, instead of just staring at his phone waiting for Hyunjin to call him first because it’s always been like that between them; Hyunjin was always the one reaching out first after every fight, every argument.

It would have made a lot of difference, right?

If only Seungmin is not the way he is, if only he’s not a coward and doesn’t always let his pride get in the way, Hyunjin would still be here. He wouldn’t have had to say goodbye to Hyunjin and let them took him away from Seungmin.

If only.

But what’s the use of crying over spilled milk? Absolutely  _ nothing. _

~*~

Seungmin hates himself sometimes.

Well, sometimes is an understatement. Seungmin hates himself  _ most _ of the time. He’s stubborn and gets a little selfish, lets his pride gets in the way of  _ everything  _ and on top of it all, curiosity gets the best of him so even though he told himself  _ not  _ to care about  _ the  _ parcel, told himself  _ not _ to touch it, he gives in to the temptation of finding out what’s inside the box anyway.

Seungmin supposes half of it is the alcohol’s fault, stripping the self-restraint and his mind off of the logic and advice of leaving the parcel alone. It's been there on the same place on the table for  _ weeks _ and he usually doesn't have a hard time ignoring it, but tonight Seungmin's missing Hyunjin a lot more than he usually does. He took the alcohol out to drink his sorrow and pain away, but maybe he should have hid the parcel somewhere first because now that his judgement is clouded, Seungmin finds himself reaching for the box.

It’s as light as Seungmin remembers it to be, like the first time the courier guy handed it to him weeks ago, saying they’d been trying for days to contact Hyunjin to come get his order at the shop. Sending the item to the apartment was their last resort because Hyunjin’s phone had been unreachable.

Seungmin hadn’t told them why. He signed the paper off on Hyunjin’s behalf, thanked the guy and left the parcel on the table without a second glance, and it stayed there for a while.

Seungmin takes a shaky breath in and out, ignoring the tremble of his hand as he uses a scissors to cut the tape securing the box. He takes his time opening it, letting questions after questions run through his mind. He doesn’t know what to think, although honestly speaking, Seungmin thinks he has a gist of what’s inside the box. He remembers going to Young Wings Jewellery with Hyunjin  _ once,  _ remembers pointing this and that to Hyunjin and remembers imagining buying them one day. Seungmin hopes he’s wrong, though. Because if Hyunjin bought any of those things, Seungmin knows he’s not going to be able to hold his tears back.

Once the parcel is bare of tape, Seungmin puts the scissors away and just stares at the box for a few minutes. Seungmin takes one last chug of the beer to fuel his bravery, slams the tin onto the table and grabs the box with both of his hands. He doesn’t take his time opening it this time around.

His eyes widen immediately when his gaze finds the small velvet box in the middle. With a shaky hand, he picks up the small card that comes with it, eyes trailing the words written on it and feeling the blood draining from his face with each second that passes by.

_ Dear Mr. Hwang, we at Young Wings Jewellery are positively sure he’s going to say yes!,  _ the message says.  _ Allow us to be the first to congratulate you on your engagement. Wishing you all the happiness in the world! We are honored to be of service. _

Oh, how wrong he is. This is definitely more than he’d expected. More than he could handle.

Seungmin should have had left the parcel alone.

~*~

People tell Seungmin that it wasn't his fault, that it was an accident, but was it really? Because in retrospect, there’s  _ a lot _ of things Seungmin could have said that night, a lot of things he could have done for the night to end better than it had.

Seungmin could have said he was sorry (because he was, he still  _ is _ ), could have said he still cared for Hyunjin, could have reminded Hyunjin that he loved him-  _ still _ loves him even after all these years and all the things that life had thrown at their way. He could have stopped Hyunjin from leaving, held him tight in his arms and never let go.

He could have asked Hyunjin  _ not  _ to go.

Instead it happened like this:

The hardest thing about Seungmin's job will always be the crazy working hours. Things had been a little busy at the hospital lately and with the obvious shortage of staff around, everyone including Seungmin had to take extra hours in every shift.

Working for 20 hours straight has always made Seungmin feel dead inside and out, and that night was no different. Seungmin was so, so  _ exhausted,  _ he wanted nothing more than to just go home and crash on the bed he shared with Hyunjin, and sleep for as long as he could before he had to go to his next shift. That thought had to be abandoned though, because he’d made plans with Hyunjin just a couple of days ago to get dinner out since it had been a while since they spent some quality time alone together. They were both busy people after all; Seungmin is a doctor in training and Hyunjin had just landed a job at his dream company, so there was very little to no time spent together at all.

A very small part of him inside had wished they hadn’t made that plan to go out at all because that’s just how tired Seungmin was feeling that night, and it must have shown on his face for Hyunjin to bring it up.

“I mean, we can just order take outs and go home,” Hyunjin had told him. It was a tempting offer, but since they were already out and on their way to the restaurant, they might as well just carry on with their plan. It would have been a waste to cancel it last minute, and he knew Hyunjin had been looking forward to this night so he didn’t want to ruin it for him.

Perhaps, Seungmin had been wrong. Perhaps, he should have had agreed and accepted Hyunjin’s offer because carrying on with their plan only resulted in the start of the beginning of the end.

Seungmin felt out of tune and coldly detached from everything around him. The foods weren’t as delicious as they always were whenever they had dinner here, the romantic ambiance was only making Seungmin annoyed and yet sleepy at the same time by how dimmed it was in there, and whatever Hyunjin was talking about fell on deaf ears. Seungmin had not realized it at first, but Hyunjin had finally stopped talking some time ago. When Seungmin lifted his head up to look at Hyunjin, it was to a sight of him eating his steak quietly with a slight frown on his face. Seungmin had the decency to feel a little guilty at least. After all, they were supposed to catch up on stuff about each other and yet Seungmin had managed to zone out and be unresponsive throughout most of the conversations.

"You wanna order desserts? We can get the strawberry cheesecakes," Seungmin tried to salvage the deteriorating situation, curling his lips into a small smile. He felt his heart drop when Hyunjin answered with a curt  _ no _ and putting down his eating utensils so that he could wipe his mouth with a napkin. "But you love those, and we still have time-"

"You're just going to complain about how overpriced and unnecessarily sweet the cake is," Hyunjin snapped. Seungmin closed his mouth and pressed it into a thin line, because it was true. Seungmin would always complain, but he never meant any of it. He'd thought they both knew that, but Seungmin guessed he was wrong. He knew explaining himself would only fuel them into a useless argument, so Seungmin kept his mouth shut. Hyunjin was clearly upset at this point, and it was no use trying to clear the petty misconception, so Seungmin simply didn't.

But he should have had. God knows he should have.

"I–," Hyunjin started again, mouth hung open and then he contemplatively pressed his lips back into a thin line before exhaling a deep breath. "I'm going to wait outside," he decided and Seungmin had only watched Hyunjin pushed the chair back and grabbed his jacket as he got up to head to the exit.

Seungmin let out his own heavy exhale once Hyunjin was out of his sight and put the eating utensils down quietly to pinch the area in between his eyes to will away the incoming headache. After a couple of minutes of calming himself down, Seungmin finally got up from his chair and walked to the counter to pay for their meals.

Seungmin had wanted to apologize. He really did want to, but when he saw Hyunjin with a cigarette stick in his mouth, Seungmin felt anger and annoyance raising up instead. He strode towards Hyunjin, snatching the stick from Hyunjin’s mouth as the older guy lifted his head at Seungmin and throwing it onto the ground.

“You told me you quit,” Seungmin huffed, eyes wide and jaw tightened. A shade of pink dusted across Hyunjin’s cheeks. Seungmin could have mistaken it for Hyunjin being ashamed of being caught red-handed like this if not for the fact that Hyunjin immediately stormed away from Seungmin in anger instead of explaining himself. Somehow,  _ that _ made  _ Seungmin _ angrier. “Hyunjin!” 

“So what if I relapsed back to smoking?” Hyunjin barked without stopping his steps. He had his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket and he showed no intention to stop nor wait for Seungmin. “Not like it’s any of your business.”

“None of my–” Seungmin gasped, scandalized. He walked quicker to catch up with Hyunjin and grabbed his wrist to make Hyunjin look at him.  _ “None of my business?”  _ Seungmin repeated himself in disbelief. “What do you  _ mean _ it’s none of my business? Of course  _ it is!  _ I care about you!”

“Oh do you really?” Hyunjin challenged.

“Hwang Hyunjin!” Seungmin frowned. He couldn’t believe they were having this argument, couldn’t believe Hyunjin was saying these things. In an effort to calm himself down from worsening the situation, Seungmin sucked a deep breath in and out. “How long have you been doing this?”

Hyunjin didn’t answer Seungmin. He looked away and started walking again, causing Seungmin’s frown to deepened. “Don’t you walk away from me now,” Seungmin said, but Hyunjin ignored him. “Jesus, fuck. Hyunjin, just  _ talk _ to me!”

“ _ Talk _ to you?” Hyunjin laughed without humor. “Not like you’re going to listen anyway.”

Things escalated from there. In the heat of the moment, words were carelessly thrown around, accusation after accusation followed, and nasty things from their past were brought up. Things were said- things that hurt, things that they did not mean to say.

“I’m tired,” Seungmin announced, his head throbbing with pain. He really was tired and he didn't want to fight anymore.  _ Let’s just go home for now and figure this whole thing out later _ , he wanted to add but Hyunjin was quicker.

“Well, that makes the two of us,” Hyunjin swallowed loudly and walked away. Seungmin froze at this and stared at Hyunjin’s back.

“What?”

Hyunjin stopped walking, too, and stood in front of a convenience store with head tilted up to the sky. He sniffled before turning around to look at Seungmin. “Tell me honestly,” Hyunjin said with a shaky breath. The dim light of the street lamp above him flickered once, twice before it steadied again. The glow from the light made it clear that Hyunjin’s eyes were glinting with unshed tears. Seungmin felt terrible for possibly being the reason Hyunjin was sad, for making Hyunjin cry and yet he did nothing about it. “You’re tired of me, right? Of us?”

_ No! I would never!  _ Seungmin had thought, but no words left his mouth. He felt his ego flared, his guard shot up. A lump formed in his throat and Seungmin had only watched Hyunjin with guarded eyes. Hyunjin stared back in resignation. Disappointment. 

“What is the point of us doing this?” Hyunjin continued, throwing his arms in frustration. “If we’re only going to end up fighting and hurting each other like this all the damn time?” Seungmin couldn’t find his voice for that either and he felt his heart sank deeper at the frown forming on Hyunjin’s face. Seungmin admitted that their relationship had been a little rocky lately, but he always thought they would be fine. Maybe it wasn’t the case at all. “Honestly, I don’t even know if you still love me like you used to, or if you’re just with me because it’s familiar to you, because it’s a routine, like your work at the hospital.”

The truth was that, Hyunjin was so much more than that. Hyunjin was a constant in his life, the thing that kept him grounded on his feet. Hyunjin provided him energy when Seungmin was tired, showered Seungmin with so much love and attention no matter when or where,  _ especially _ when things got too much for Seungmin to handle. He empathize with Seungmin very easily, and Seungmin loved that about him.

Hyunjin was Seungmin’s everything, and yet Seungmin couldn’t say this out loud because he did not know how to express himself properly, because a little bit of his pride got in the way of everything. Hyunjin  _ knew _ this as well but even someone like Hyunjin had his moment of insecurity, and Seungmin understood that sometimes Hyunjin just needed to hear words of assurance from Seungmin’s own mouth.

But Seungmin couldn’t even do that. Seungmin had only managed to say a quiet “Hyunjin...”

“I–,” Hyunjin swallowed. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked away as he contemplated something, letting the tears trickled down his cheeks. Hyunjin looked so sad and heartbroken, it ached Seungmin physically. He was such a horrible person for making his beloved boyfriend upset. Seungmin felt the guilt and regret flowing in his veins, felt the dread seeping deep into his bones. If he reached out and held Hyunjin in his arms, just tell him he was sorry and that they could go home and talk this out, things would have been okay. But as Hyunjin said “I can’t do this right now. I need to be alone.”, Seungmin had only stared at him, at the way the trails of tears glistened on Hyunjin’s cheeks. Seungmin had only watched as Hyunjin left him alone, with the echoes of his footsteps leaving the place the only thing Seungmin could hear apart from his heart beating hard against his chest.

_ It’ll be okay _ , Seungmin tried to convince himself. They always come around and make up after every fight, every argument.  _ This time won’t be any different, _ Seungmin thought. Hyunjin just needed some space, and although Seungmin did not want to be alone, he respected what Hyunjin needed.  _ I’ll give him a call and apologize and make it up to him later,  _ Seungmin sniffled, feeling his own tears finally spilling from his eyes.

_ Later. _

The lamp above him flickered again– once, twice, before it burned out completely this time.

_ It’ll be okay. _

Except it would never be okay anymore.

~*~

Seungmin opens the velvet ring box to stare at the ring inside, and then closes it back. He opens it and then closes it again, repeating this action over and over for several minutes before leaning his back against the bed behind him and leaning his head against the mattress to stare unseeingly at the ceiling above him.

Then Seungmin stares at his phone. It stays unmoving, unblinking with no new notifications or incoming call from Hyunjin. It has been like that for a while now. Seungmin feels tears pricking his eyes as he takes the phone into his hand and activates the screen. He scrolls down his contact list and finds Hyunjin’s name, closing his eyes as he clicks the call button and presses the phone to his ear.

The call rings and rings and rings before Hyunjin’s voice greets him. “Hyunjin,” Seungmin sobs into the receiver. His body shakes from trying not to cry too loud because his friends are asleep in the room next to his. “Hyunjin,” Seungmin cries again, pressing his hand onto his eyes and letting the tears fall. He used to make fun of Hyunjin for still activating voice messages on his phone because honestly, who still does that in this day and age? But right now, Seungmin is thankful that he did, because it’s the easiest access for him to hear Hyunjin’s voice, for him to pretend Hyunjin is still there listening to him. “Babe, I’m so sorry. I really am. Can you come back to me? Please come home.” “I’m so,  _ so  _ sorry. I was wrong. I’ll treat you better. God. I love you so much. Jinnie.  _ Please _ .”

Expectedly, there is no reply. Seungmin curses out loud and harshly throws the phone into the wall, momentarily forgetting he's not alone, until he hears Changbin softly calling for him from the doorway.

"Go away," Seungmin heaves, burying his face in his arms and pulling his legs close to his chest. Seungmin thinks he hears Changbin whispering a low "Shit" before he rushes down the hallway, only to come back with extra footsteps of another person with him.

"Seungmin?" Jisung’s voice is soft and low when he calls for Seungmin, his approaching footsteps slow and careful. Seungmin only buries his face deeper and cries harder until he feels arms around his shoulders that pull him closer to lean against a warm chest. "Seung, what's wrong?"

_ Everything _ , Seungmin thinks. Everything is wrong. From the empty side of the bed next to him, to his calls and texts to Hyunjin left unanswered, to Hyunjin’s clothes remain untouched in the closet for months now, to the night he had argued with Hyunjin. It was the last memory they had of each other and Seungmin can't accept that- can't accept that the last thing they did was fight, that the last thing Hyunjin felt for him was disappointment and sadness and anger before he was gone from Seungmin's life forever, gone from this world.

"He died thinking I didn't love him anymore, Ji," Seungmin cries into Jisung’s chest, his tears wetting the older's shirt. "Fuck. I didn't tell him that I still do. That he was my everything and I love him so much and-" Seungmin can't finish his own sentence coherently, not with how much and how hard he's crying.

"Seungmin..." Jisung only hugs Seungmin tighter and Seungmin holds on to him like a lifeline because Jisung is all that Seungmin has now that his boyfriend, his lover, his best friend, his  _ everything _ is gone forever. Even just the thought of that is hard to stomach, let alone the reality of it all. Jisung is saying something to him, but Seungmin is not listening anymore. He can’t.

Because Hyunjin is gone.  _ Truly  _ gone now. Seungmin had not cried when he heard the news, had not cried when he looked at Hyunjin’s face one last time (peaceful, ethereal), had not cried when they buried him.

After months of feeling numb and empty (and in denial), Seungmin is finally falling apart.

~*~

Nothing has changed when Seungmin wakes up that morning.

This whole thing still feels unreal to him, feels like a dream that he could wake up from any time. But that’s the thing, right? Seungmin wakes up today, and tomorrow, and the day after, and everything is still the same.

Hyunjin is still not coming home.

He's never ever coming home anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> PROMPT # 11: In the corner of A's mind, always reminds B's glow. A remembers everything. He remembers the gleam of his tears pouring from his eyes, his figure standing still under the neon lights, the shivers of his voice when he spoke to him for the last time, the sound of his footsteps straying away from the convenience store lightening the street, the last breath he took before he never saw him again


End file.
